Enlightenment (Don’t Know What it Is)

I’ve been flirting with Buddhism lately. Mostly as a way to learn to let go of the past and to stop struggling against change which brings suffering. It’s been a hard and difficult road. In a way, it is so liberating to realize that what’s done is done. But the difficulty comes with realizing that letting go of past hurts and behaviors also leaves me vulnerable. And vulnerability is not my strong suit at all. It all comes down to trust which I really have a mixed up notion of. To me, trust is not thinking that someone will have my back, instead in my view I see it as knowing I’ll be okay when I do inevitably get hurt. I actually didn’t realize that what I feel and trust are not the same thing until recently.

So back to Buddhism. I’ve taken up yoga at the most special studio I’ve ever been to. Going there is like receiving a big hug from the cosmos. As soon as I go in, I feel the peace begin to wash over me. The focus is to be in the moment and let go. It’s working.

At the studio, there is a lovely boutique. However, when I am browsing all their trinkets, I find myself feeling weird, since I shouldn’t be trying to find fulfillment from material objects. It just seems contradictory to what I’ve just experience in my session. A few months ago, I saw a Buddha charm necklace, attached to it was a card that said to wear it to remind yourself to just let go. Bingo, that’s what I had been looking for. My summer was filled with frustration at various events in my life. Even while I was in the midst of them, I knew that I was contributing by following the same patterns that have gotten me to this point. Problem was I just couldn’t let go and just experience what was unfolding. So I bought the Buddha charm. I couldn’t wait to put it on. I was thinking that I found my peace.

I wore that Buddha all the time. I think I became dependent on it, which was not the point. Every little stress I would absentmindedly stroke the charm, comforted by the feelings of disengagement. In a way I was using it as an escape. Rather than deal with whatever emotion was swirling around my head, I just put it away and decided it didn’t matter. Everything’s temporary and if it’s all an illusion, what’s the point anyway. One morning, I went to put on my Buddha crutch after my shower and the clasp was broken. I was crestfallen. What was I going to do without my Buddha? Suddenly, I realized that I was so dependent on my Buddha that I was entirely missing the point. I had just become attached to an inanimate object and instead of embracing what was unfolding, I used it as an excuse to disengage myself from my emotions. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that there were two lessons I needed to learn: as much as we don’t want to believe it, everything is temporary. But not in the way I had been viewing it. I was afraid of being abandoned, which has been a recurring theme in my life. I took non-attachment to mean being tough, not being vulnerable and not letting anyone really in. The other lesson was that if I depended on the material world to satisfy me, I’ll never have true fulfillment. Wow, the Buddha really gave me a lesson. Although somewhat saddened by the necklace breaking, I felt a great sense of relief.

The next time I went to the studio, I asked if they had another charm and of course they didn’t. I interpreted that to mean that not only did I need to learn to let it go, I needed to learn to do it myself, without the props. Sort of  like not replacing one addiction with another. I looked at the other charms and bought a different one, a goddess I think, to remind me of the goddess within. I brought it home and looked at it repeatedly. Something was off, I didn’t feel like I needed to be reminded of my inner goddess. Probably because I don’t feel like a goddess and I really don’t want to. I want most of all to feel like a normal, loving human being. And I want someone to recognize that. I want a real connection with someone, and although that doesn’t come easily to anyone, I feel like my sense of self-protection always gets in the way. Anyway, I exchanged the goddess for karma, which came with a card that read “How people act is their karma, how you react is yours.”  Profound right? That helped me get back to the real me. The me who isn’t going to let other people’s actions change the decent person I am deep down in side.

So I wore the karma for a while. One day at the studio, lo and behold, I saw another Buddha charm! I was psyched to see it, but in a way I didn’t feel like I needed it in the totally dependent sense that I had previously. And I felt that that meant I was ready for the path of the Buddha. I brought it home and wasn’t as excited to wear it, I actually didn’t put it on for a few days which surprised me. I thought I was really ready for it because I didn’t need it. Then I started wearing it, I just liked the feeling. One night I fell asleep with it on and of course, it broke again. I was puzzled since the karma necklace never broke, but the Buddha always did. what was my lesson? I’m still not sure, but I think it is that letting go means really letting go. No crutches, no props and just being complete enough to accept what is happening. Nothing is permanent, obviously not my Buddha charm, and since nothing is permanent, there is no point in struggling against the change. It’s inevitable and if I struggle against it, that’s where the suffering starts. I need to accept my life as it is, to take responsibility for my contributions to how situations play out. And to just accept the outcome and consequences of these actions. And to be so insulated against hurt is just going to cause me more pain.

So thank you Buddha. I’ve heard that you can’t look for the Buddha, it will find you. And I’m starting to get that. Non-attachment isn’t non-engagement. I had the two confused and although I didn’t isolate myself physically, emotionally I really had. Now it’s time to trust, to feel and to truly experience.

So thanks to Van Morrisson for the song Enlightenment and to all that is helping me on my journey, both the good and the bad. And who’s to say what is good and what is bad anyway? When I’m in the thick of something and the result is unknown, it’s easy to see things as one or the other, rather than the fact that they just are.

“‘I’m in the here and now, and I’m meditating

And I’m still suffering that’s my problem

Enlightenment don’t know what it is

“Enlightenment says the world is nothing Nothing but a dream,

everything’s an illusion And nothing is real
Good or bad, baby You can change it anyway you want

You can rearrange it Enlightenment, don’t know what it is”